Western University, Pomona, California, asked women to share their feelings about having orgasms and what they did to change it.
The women reported feeling sad, frustrated, and unsatisfied without orgasms. Few women said that they tried to coach their male partners. They were not concerned about their own pleasure but the fear that coaching might injure their supposedly eggshell egos.
Ladies, speak up!
Men’s egos are not as fragile as many women, especially young women, believe. Men of all ages have dealt with failures in school, sports, or careers. Almost all men can learn from failures and pick themselves up after disappointments.
You are not rejecting men when you coach them sexually, ladies. You are asking for minor adjustments. You might ask men to spend more time caring for your clitoris with their hands and/or mouths. Men’s egos can survive, especially if you praise their lovemaking and, after making requests, laud them when they adjust their sexual style to your liking.
Please do not complain to your girlfriends that your guy is clueless. Tell him. He won’t understand your likes and dislikes. Nobody can read the erotic thoughts of anyone. Being in love or getting into bed does not confer psychic abilities. Coaching is the best way to get the caresses you desire.
Men who aren’t familiar enough with the clitoris or have had sexual relations with other women before may not be as open to speaking up. Wouldn’t it be nice if they did?
Gentlemen, ask for coaching every time
Attention men: Have any of you ever hit the ball in baseball? Have you ever missed a shot in basketball? You have. There will always be disappointments in life. Did these little setbacks ruin your self-esteem and confidence? You are likely to have picked yourself up and tried again. Ideally, you were supported by coaches who helped identify your weaknesses and help you improve.
The same goes for lovemaking. If you don’t, your partners may want you to provide gentle, generous clitoral caresses. Ask.
Every person is unique in their sexuality. You cannot understand what women look for sexually unless they tell you. Ask for coaching when you are in a new relationship. In long-term relationships, it is important to continue asking for coaching.
Your ex-girlfriend may have liked certain moves, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she will like them. You want your partners to have fun, enjoy orgasms, give you positive reviews, and understand the unique caresses they love as individuals. You will only learn what they want if they are open to sharing their feelings. This could endanger the relationship’s future. You could be criticized by their girlfriends if you talk to them.
Not only are women interested in sexual changes, but so are men. Many men have similar requests and may feel hesitant or unable to speak up. Coaching is something that everyone can do. These suggestions apply to all ages and genders.
Coaching made easy
- Write down every complaint/wish that you have. Please be specific. Don’t say, “I wish my man was gentler.” It needs to be more specific. Better: “I wish he didn’t pinch my nipples as hard.” Your list should be ranked from easiest to most difficult to discuss. Start with the easiest. Likely, it will be easy to ask for it. Your partner will be more comfortable allowing it. You feel more confident speaking up. You’ll probably feel more confident speaking up, which will be noticed by your partner. You can work your way through the list, adding one request each month.
- Begin coaching by kissing. Kissing is critical to sexual pleasure and satisfaction for many lovers. Most people find it easier to talk about genital play than discuss kissing. Begin with a compliment and then make a suggestion. “I love how you kiss me, but I wish you would lick my lips more. Let me show you.”
- Pair talking up with strategic silence. If you are happy with what is happening, you can say “Yes” or “Ahh” or “That’s so lovely.” If you aren’t thrilled by any move, you should remain silent. You’ll be more likely to encourage the things that bring you joy and less silence.
- Declare your intentions. Gentlemen, when things get heated, look at your partner and say something like, “I want to feel nothing but joy.” Tell me immediately if you don’t feel pleasure from anything I do. I will give you the best advice and impress your gal (and her friends) when she tells you about it.
- Ask permission. Gentlemen, before you start any erotic escalations, say, “I’d like to X,”–caressing your breasts, unbuttoning your top, whatever. “Is it okay?” If she agrees, go ahead. If she hesitates, you can say something like, “I promise I’ll be gentle.” And if she doesn’t want to continue, just respect her wishes. Although her limits might frustrate you, if she is patient and you are trustworthy, you may eventually be able to overcome them. You’ll be labeled a boor if you go beyond her boundaries. Her friends will likely hear about your actions. You could be sentenced to prison for rape if you go beyond her limits.
- “Is it okay?” Always ask this question after erotic escalations. Next, ask for coaching. “Wouldn’t you prefer a gentler touch?” Firmer What? Tell me.
- Limit your alcohol intake. Many people, particularly young adults, have sex drunkenly, sometimes with blotto. Even moderate drinking can cause coaching to be obstructed and increase the likelihood of sexual assault. Consider cannabis if you are looking for sex in an altered state. It is often called sex-enhancing. It encourages coaching by slowing down the pace. It’s also less frequently associated with rape than alcohol.
Gentlemen and ladies, if you want to have sex with your partner, you need to share what pleases you and get coaching.